Peer pressure gets a bit of a negative representation these days, but it does have some redeeming qualities. If your friends are studying for tomorrow’s exam instead of slacking off, or telling you not to drive home drunk, then they’re helping you make good decisions. However, these positive instances are sometimes overwhelmed by negative ones, like when you feel forced into doing something you’re not comfortable with.
Peer pressure manifests itself in different ways. Sometimes it’s blindingly obvious — when you’re standing with a group of people who are smoking, and they coax you into taking a drag yourself. Sometimes it’s more subtle — if everyone in your social circle uses an expensive phone, you feel compelled to buy one too — even if it’s astronomically out of your budget — so that you can be “one of the group”.
When it comes down to it, think about how the pressure makes you feel — are you happy with your actions, or are you upset and a bit guilty that they go against your personal code of conduct? If it is the latter, here are some ways to manage the pressure:
Just say ‘no’: You probably knew this already, and are rolling your eyes while reading. “Saying ‘no’ is so hard!,” you complain. Yes, it is, and if you’re a teen or in your early twenties, it’s going to be extra hard, because the parts of your brain that help you make good decisions and properly assess risks are still developing.
However, this doesn’t mean you should do something stupid and then shrug and blame “science” for your actions. The negative impact of saying ‘no’ can be considerably lessened if you explain to people why you said it and what you’re feeling. “No, I don’t want to try this obviously illegal activity because it makes me feel uncomfortable and out of place” is a lot better than “No, I don’t want to and I won’t do it”.
Don’t get judgmental: So you’re the only vegetarian at the table, and have rejected your friends’ overtures to try some chicken. Good for you for sticking to your guns; but stop at that. Don’t proceed to hold sermons about the benefits of leading a meat-free life, while shaking your head sadly at their food choices. You’re giving the rest of us veggies a bad name.
Try to be the influencer: Maybe, by some odd twist of fate, you have ended up with a high flying social group, that goes on luxury “glamping” expeditions, or likes to visit expensive restaurants over the weekend. If these activities are burning a hole in your pocket, then it’s time to put a stop to them. Gently try to steer the group towards more affordable interests, like visiting less expensive restaurants that serve authentic local cuisine. If that doesn’t work, have an honest conversation with your friends, explaining that you’re looking to save up cash and these activities are putting a dampener on that plan. You could compromise and do some of the more affordable activities with them, and bow out of the pricier ones. And if that doesn’t work? You probably need new friends.
Be low key: If you are considering being the odd one out, you don’t need to broadcast this to the rest of the world. If your friends want to go out for a smoke, and you don’t want to inhale second-hand fumes, make up an excuse and wait for them indoors. If you’re surrounded by slightly tipsy youths who are forcing you to drink and won’t take “no” for an answer, grab a non-alcoholic drink and pretend it’s spiked. Chances are, no one is going to remember what you drank the next morning.
Be a good human: This is the most important. If someone tells you they don’t want to do something because they’re not comfortable with it, respect their decision and let it go. You know you don’t like the feeling of being forced into doing things you don’t want to, so why let other people feel the same way?
The author is a psychologist and management consultant. krithvis@gmail.com